Wednesday, April 23, 2014

No Trace of Aitch

I dont believe the young boy was alone when he ran off. An h is missing, too. Despite the declaration of a certain ABC series that ran from 1977 to 1981, eight is not enough in this case.

The widespread police search alluded to in the article grew exponentially once I filed a Missing Letter Report, in which I described h as a skinny fellow, about 10 points tall, with a big hump on his right side. I let officers know that he sometimes goes by aitch. All over town I posted his picture, the one that shows him standing next to his pal H. Its a popular photo. So much so, in fact, that its up in elementary school classrooms all over the country.

Next I provided hs last known position, or LKP. Its LKP was BTH, or before the hyphen. That is where the search originated. And what a slow, methodical search it was. An army of civilian volunteers combed the ground. Search-and-rescue dogs attempted to detect hs scent, which I described as a cross between honeysuckle and hyacinth. Helicopters equipped with thermal imaging cameras assisted the ground units.

You name it, we did it. We searched high and low. Did we find him? Sigh ... and no. The whereabouts of the eighth letter — and the eighth-grader — remain a mystery. Every resource imaginable has been deployed. Im not sure what more I can do. I feel useless, like thermal underwear in Miami.

What have I overlooked?

I do have one last idea. A friend — lets call him Morse (his code name) — suggested it. I may be grasping at straws, but here goes nothing...

• • • •?

• • • •?

Are you out there, • • • •? Can you hear me? Please come home!

Monday, April 21, 2014

Bad As It's Gonna Be

When he wore a wedding dress to promote his autobiography, Bad As I Wanna Be, it was Rodman being Rodman. When his marriage to Carmen Electra, a former Playboy model, lasted nine days, it was Rodman being Rodman. When he painted his hair green, it was Rodman being Rodman. When he wrestled alongside Hulk Hogan, it was Rodman being Rodman. When he sang Happy Birthday to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, it was Rodman being Rodman. When he was the subject of a short photo caption, it was Rodman behing sued.

A new word has come into being — by having a letter come into being. Whats that h doing in there? Its not being natural. Its acting strange ... like Rodman.

Friday, April 18, 2014

The Gwyneth and Chris of Words

Goops! I mean oops!

Cooktop and instead need their space, which is understandable, but theyve taken things to extremes. I asked them why they split, and they claimed it was a conscious uncoupling.

Liars!

Lets call a spade a spade. Cooktop and instead suffered an “oblivious dissociation, for lack of a more pretentious, ridiculous New Age term.

Its time for us to consciously uncouple separate, readers. Dont worry. Ill be back soon. Unlike cooktop and instead, we will remain close.