Wednesday, April 16, 2014

If I Only Had a Brian

As a lifelong 76ers fan, I’ve endured many moments that led me to question who was the brains behind the operation in Philadelphia. Among them:

Why did they trade future Hall of Famer Moses Malone, Terry Catledge and first-round draft picks to the Washington Bullets for Jeff Ruland and Cliff Robinson?

Why did they trade the top pick in the 1986 draft to the Cleveland Cavaliers for Roy Hinson and cash?

Why did they trade future Hall of Famer Charles Barkley to the Phoenix Suns for Jeff Hornacek, Tim Perry and Andrew Lang?

Why did they draft Shawn Bradley, a 7-foot-6-inch human stick figure, with the second pick of the 1993 NBA draft?

Why did they waste top-10 draft picks on Clarence Weatherspoon (1992) and Sharone Wright (1994)?

Why did they trade class-act Hersey Hawkins, my all-time favorite player, to the Charlotte Hornets for Dana Barros, Sidney Green and draft picks?

Why did they sign Kwame Brown to a two-year deal?

Well, it turns out you don’t have to be a whiz to figure out that one of the 76ers’ assistant coaches is the most intelligent person on Philadelphia’s payroll. With a first name like Brain, he’s got to be smart!

According to the official 76ers website, Mr. James has a master’s degree from Northeastern Illinois University, which proves he does have a brain. He has a brain. He isn’t a Brain. He’s a Brian. That’s a no-brainer.

Looks like the writer needs some assistance with that assistant’s name. What can we do? Allow me to think for a moment. [Editor’s note: Neurons are firing. They’ve reached a synapse. Information is being processed and transmitted…]

I’ve got it!

To fix the damage, we must beat James’ Brain out … and replace it with Brian.

Now that’s using your noodle.

Monday, April 14, 2014

A Conn Game

In Grease, a 1978 musical film about ‘50s-era high school kids (played by actors in their late 20s and early 30s!), certain characters evolve, showing signs of growth … some in drastically different ways than others.

During the animated intro, we’re tickled pink to meet a lengthy cast of characters, including Frenchy, played by Didi Conn.


When animation segues to live action, Conn’s character name remains the same. The proof is written in her clothes — literally. The first time we see Frenchy, a “coat check” reveals her first name stitched in cursive on the left breast of her Pink Ladies jacket.


In the end credits, however, Frenchy, like cursive in many elementary school curriculums, has disappeared. Frenchie is the word. Why? It’s got no groove. It’s got no meaning.


Good girls and greasers can change between the beginning and the end of summer, so I suppose a ne’er-do-well beauty school dropout can be one person at the start of a movie and another altogether at its conclusion. Then again, Sandy didn’t become Sandie, and Danny didn’t change to Dannie.

It’s my duty, therefore, to do some Grease lightening, reducing the number of letters by one. I’m hopelessly devoted to y, so let’s French-kiss ie goodbye.

Frenchy, you’re the one that I want.

Friday, April 11, 2014

He Said, She Said

I dont run in the same circles as Samarie Walker, a former player on the womens basketball team at the University of Kentucky, so Im unsure if any of her friends call her Sam. Itd make sense if they did, seeing as how Sam is a truncated form of her name. Sam is, as we all know, a nickname for the male moniker Samuel, as well as the diminutive for the female Samantha. Sam is the name of a retired baseball player who runs a Boston bar. Sam also is the name of the daughter of a retired baseball player who works as a live-in maid. (Malone and Micelli, respectively.) Sometimes, a female Sam is just that — Sam, with no connection to the elongated Samantha. Need proof? Give Charlie Sheen or Denise Richards a ring and ask about daughter Sam J. Sheen, born in 2004.

What Im getting at, in my roundabout way, is that Sam can be male or female — but not both. Not in the same sentence, anyway. In the span of a few words, Samarie Walker has undergone a sex change. Why, after she said and she knew, did he step foot on campus?

This is no time for neutrality; I must be gender biased. I want an s to walk right up to he and make Walker a woman again. No more masquerading as a man. Fix the gender fender-bender in this writing Sample.

Thats all she (actually, he) wrote.