The Bizarro Kramer

Look away. He’s hideous.

Hotel Las Palmas, a Los Angeles hotel famous for being a memorable setting in Pretty Woman, is now home to an ugly man. I’m sorry, HLP, but that’s not the Cosmo we ordered. The spelling on your home page’s subhead is clumsier than the Apartment 5A entrances made by a certain “hipster doofus.”

When Seinfeld debuted in 1989 (as The Seinfeld Chronicles), Kramer was Kessler. Since then, Kramer has been, among other things, the co-author of a coffee table book about coffee tables, a seat-filler at the Tony Awards, a Calvin Klein underwear model, an extra in a Woody Allen movie, the co-creator of the Bro (aka the Manssiere) and a soap opera stand-in. Never, however, has he been Kramre.

That spelling works as well as a reverse peephole. We can turn things around — and we can do so far less acrimoniously than Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep did when they settled their dispute in 1979.

In the case of Kramer vs. Kramre, the choice, like dominating a dojo full of children, is easy.

Turns out, Marion the librarian isn’t the only one who “needs a little Kramer.”

Giddyup!

Thanks to my friend Lindsay, of IAMNOTASTALKER, for, ahem, rushin’ to notify me of today’s “Cosmo-Not.”

Kry Havoc

No, he didn’t.

LeBron James, like Charles Barkley in his autobiography, has been misquoted. He called the Cleveland Cavaliers’ offense “Kyrie’s show,” in reference to point guard Kyrie Irving. Don’t blame James for that Kyrie-diculous spelling.

The sports fan in me likes an offense that attacks. The editor in me likes to attack a poor offense. It’s a Kry-ing shame that Kyrie is a no-show. When Kryie crystallized, I realized the writer had, albeit unknowingly, falsely reported an incident. This Cavalier offense cannot go unpunished.

The writer went awry when he went with a ry. It’s imperative that I remedy this situation, because “Kyrie’s show” must go on. Fortunately, an idea just popped into my head. I’ll transpose the second and third letters to ring in a new yr.

That ry bred? It’s toast.

A Good Year to Die Hard

Is Die Hard the best Christmas movie? Heck, is Die Hard even a Christmas movie? It’s set at Christmastime, though I don’t consider it a Christmas movie per se. You have every right to categorize it as such. We can quibble about that later. What’s not up for debate, however, is the year this Christmas/action movie came out.

July, not December, may have been the most wonderful time of the year in 1988, because that’s when John McClane first traveled from New York to L.A. to visit his estranged wife, only to become knee-deep in holiday hell on the 30th floor of the Nakatomi building.

Take a long, Die Hard look at the teaser for a Moviefone article about the crème de la Christmas crème. To borrow a line from a popular carol: Do you see what I see? That bad date needs to undergo a digital revolution. An 8 took off faster than a woman under the mistletoe when I approach.

The years 1988 and 1998 are as different as Windows 2.1 and Windows 98. Nelson Mandela was imprisoned in 1988. A decade later he was president. Michael Jordan had zero NBA titles in 1988. He won his sixth in 1998.

Don’t dress your movie date to the nines. You may think she looks sexy, but all I see is an ugly Christmas sweater. That second 9, in true McClane fashion, is a fly in the ointment, the monkey in the wrench, the pain in the ass.

Drop it like it’s Hans.

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In the spirit of the season, I’d like to present my lists of favorite Christmas movies (i.e., joy to the world, good will toward men) and favorite movies set at Christmas (i.e., blow up the world, kill bad men). Enjoy.

Owen’s Favorite Christmas Movies

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

A Christmas Carol (1951)

Home Alone

Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

Elf

The Santa Clause

Owen’s Favorite Movies Set at Christmas

Die Hard
The Bourne Identity
Enemy of the State

Lethal Weapon

Gremlins

Die Hard 2

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a yippee-ki-yay…