No E and No D

For most, spelling second is second nature. For others, it’s a challenge, akin to facing the University of Alabama’s dynastic football team.

What’s the second letter in second? According to this caption, it’s c.  An e, like a busy but attentive waiter, should be there in a second. Yet the e mirrored the notre dame* defense in the Bowl Championship Series title game and went missing. It has absconded, leaving us with scond. That’s gross misconduct.

As we travel at a brisk pace of one e per second, allow me to share some of life’s simple pleasures:

• Popping bubble wrap

• Wearing clothes straight out of the dryer

• Jumping in a pile of leaves

• Getting talcum powder dusted on your neck following a haircut

• Drawing on foggy windows

• Rubbing a kitten’s belly

• Peeling the plastic off a new cell phone’s screen

• Finding a typo while reading about a notre dame loss

A beautiful Crimson evening unfolded a week ago today in Miami Gardens, Florida. The good times rolled when the good Tide rolled to a 42-14 rout of notre dame. The Fighting Irish won the coin toss — and nothing more.

Alabama dominated, putting notre dame’s defense to shame. The Crimson Tide scored touchdowns on their first three possessions — against a team that led the nation in scoring defense, allowing only 10.3 points per game — and led 35-0 midway through the third quarter. It took 15 minutes and 4 seconds for Alabama to amass as many rushing touchdowns (two) as notre dame had allowed in 12 regular-season games. No team had gained more than 379 yards against the Irish defense during the regular season; Alabama had 529. The longest touchdown drive notre dame allowed in the regular season was 75 yards; at Sun Life Stadium, Alabama had TD drives of 80, 82, 86 and 97 yards. The Irish were unable to swim against the Tide and allowed the most points in a bowl game in team history. In summary, the Crimson Tide finished scond second to none.

Sweet game, Alabama! Thanks for picking me up when I was feeling blue.

* Yes, I am well aware that I have lowercased the name of a certain institution. I refuse to capitalize notre dame. It’s my small, disparaging way of protesting the undeserved preferential treatment that the school — and its football team — has received for far too long. The holier-than-thou attitude. The blasphemous arrogance. The unjustified mystique and hype. It’s no longer the 1940s. Get down from your high horse, notre dame, and then step off your pedestal. You’re no better than the rest. In fact, you’re worse. Much worse.

I picked up a couple of important items at the grocery store last Monday.