AUTOMATED VOICE: Thank you for contacting Speller, Incorporated. To continue in English, please press or say 1. To continue in Spanish, please pr—
AUTOMATED VOICE: Your call is very important to us. You are currently *** fourth *** in our queue. Please hold and a representative will be with you shortly.
[Music plays for
AUTOMATED VOICE: Please select the level of frustration you are experiencing. Press or say 1 for low. Press or say 2 for moderate. Press or say 3 for high. Press or say 4 for stratospheric.
AUTOMATED VOICE: A representative will be with you shortly. Please continue to hold.
[More music.] I wanna hold you till I die, till we both break down and cry. I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides.
TECH GUY: Hi. My name is Sanjay, but you can call me Dave. How may I help you today?
CUSTOMER: Something's wrong with my newspaper. The display is distorted. I was reading a photo caption and thought, Oh, gee, where's the o before -gy?
DAVE: OK, gotcha. One of the words is missing an o. I'd be annoyed too, because I'm lacked-o's intolerant. Get it? Lactose intolerant?
CUSTOMER: Um, yeah, you're hilarious. Can we get back to the problem?
DAVE: Sure. But before we proceed, may I please have the last four digits of your Social Security number?
DAVE: May I please have your mother's maiden name?
DAVE: Can you spell that?
CUSTOMER: Yes, I can.
DAVE: That's good. May I please have your zodiac sign?
DAVE: May I please have your favorite type of tree?
CUSTOMER: Palm. No, wait, I take that back. Family.
DAVE: OK, thank you. I can further assist you now. Please hold while I do some troubleshooting.
[More music.] Tender love is blind. It requires a dedication. All this love we feel needs no conversation. We can ride it together, ah-ha.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold.
[More music.] Then turn around. Stick it out. Even white boys got to shout. Baby got back!
DAVE: Sorry about the wait. I think I may have diagnosed your problem. Is your sentence plugged in?
DAVE: Hmm. Have you tried restarting it?
CUSTOMER: [In exasperated tone] Yes.
DAVE: Do me a favor: Try pressing the W, H, 7, shift, F9, right-bracket, control and escape keys simultaneously.
CUSTOMER: OK, hold on. ...
CUSTOMER: ... The back of my monitor is now smoking, and the original problem still exists.
DAVE: Don't worry about the smoke. It'll dissipate. Let's try fixing this "biohazard" by clicking the 32nd word's drop-down menu.
DAVE: Do you see biotechnology in the drop-down menu?
DAVE: OK, good. Scroll down and select it. That should fix your problem.
CUSTOMER: Oh, my god, it did!
DAVE: Ah, good. It was an Error Type O. In layman's terms, it's a connection issue. The l should not be connected to the g.
CUSTOMER: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
DAVE: You're welcome. Be sure to save your current settings. Should you come across this situation in the future, simply install basic spelling software and reconfigure the misspelled word.
CUSTOMER: Will do.
DAVE: Do you need any further assistance today?
CUSTOMER: Nope. I'm good.
DAVE: Thank you for using Speller, Incorporated technical support. Goodbye.
CUSTOMER: Whoa! Wait a sec! The smoke is getting thicker. What should I—