UsA! UsA!

During his “March to the Sea” in the latter stages of the Civil War, Gen. William T. Sherman ordered Union Army troops to set fire to Atlanta. During the War of 1812, British forces destroyed much of Washington, D.C. First, the capital of Georgia fell; next, it was the capital of our nation. The capital in ruins this time around, courtesy of troops at the Connecticut Post, is the one in United States. The Post, in a move that mimics an intrusive federal government, has taken power from the States. Why has the uppercase S been downgraded, leaving us in a state of confusion?

It’s just a capital letter, you say. Stop making a mountain out of a molehill. I’m not. I don’t believe it’s a trivial pursuit … or a Trivial Pursuit. See? Capitalization matters! Need additional proof? Check out my seven examples below.

1a. Your husband says he’s giving money to charity every month. That’s philanthropic of him.

1b. Your husband says he’s giving money to Charity every month. That’s philandering of him. Stop sticking those small bills in that stripper’s g-string!

2a. While she’s on vacation, your mom sends you a postcard that includes the line, “I’m enjoying intercourse!” Whoa! TMI.

2b. While she’s on vacation, your mom sends you a postcard that includes the line, “I’m enjoying Intercourse!” I knew she would. The Amish village, located just outside of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, is a popular tourist destination.

3a. The press release states, “The Twins were killed in New York.” Typical. Minnesota’s team almost always loses in Yankee Stadium.

3b. The press release states, “The twins were killed in New York.” Homicidal. What twins? Are Mary Kate and Ashley all right?

4a. A sign outside the restaurant notes that it will close for Good Friday. Better stay home for dinner two days before Easter.

4b. A sign outside the restaurant notes that it will close for good Friday. Better get there right away, because it’ll be gone forever come Saturday.

5a. In a letter from camp, your son remarks that he “had way too much Coke at the welcome party.” Other than an insulin burst and a bit of belching, you have nothing to worry about. Besides, it beats Pepsi.

5b. In a letter from camp, your son remarks that he “had way too much coke at the welcome party.” You have a lot to worry about. Is this Camp Sheen, in Hollywood?

6a. The guy at the bar pulled a Camel out of his shirt pocket. Give him a light, because he wants to smoke.

6b. The guy at the bar pulled a camel out of his pocket. That must be a very small humped mammal or a very big illusion.

7a. Your new husband says he picked up a penny on the corner last night. Sweet! The family is one cent richer.

7b. Your new husband says he picked up a Penny on the corner last night. Not so sweet! After the divorce settlement, you’re going to be richer.

So, did my examples work? Have I whipped my readers into a united state?