If I Only Had a Brian

As a lifelong 76ers fan, I’ve endured many moments that led me to question who was the brains behind the operation in Philadelphia. Among them:

• Why did they trade future Hall of Famer Moses Malone, Terry Catledge and first-round draft picks to the Washington Bullets for Jeff Ruland and Cliff Robinson?

• Why did they trade the top pick in the 1986 draft to the Cleveland Cavaliers for Roy Hinson and cash?

• Why did they trade future Hall of Famer Charles Barkley to the Phoenix Suns for Jeff Hornacek, Tim Perry and Andrew Lang?

• Why did they draft Shawn Bradley, a 7-foot-6-inch human stick figure, with the second pick of the 1993 NBA draft?

• Why did they waste top-10 draft picks on Clarence Weatherspoon (1992) and Sharone Wright (1994)?

• Why did they trade class act Hersey Hawkins, my all-time favorite player, to the Charlotte Hornets for Dana Barros, Sidney Green and draft picks?

• Why did they sign Kwame Brown to a two-year deal?

Well, it turns out you don’t have to be a whiz to figure out that one of the 76ers’ assistant coaches is the most intelligent person on Philadelphia’s payroll. With a first name like Brain, he’s got to be smart!

According to the official 76ers website, Mr. James has a master’s degree from Northeastern Illinois University, which proves he does have a brain. He has a brain. He isn’t a Brain. He’s a Brian. That’s a no-brainer.

Looks like the writer needs some assistance with that assistant’s name. What can we do? Allow me to think for a moment. [Editor’s note: Neurons are firing. They’ve reached a synapse. Information is being processed and transmitted…]

I’ve got it!

To fix the damage, we must beat James’ Brain out … and replace it with Brian.

Now that’s using your noodle.