No "End" in Sight

TRIGGER WARNING: Today’s post contains traces of violence, apocalyptic expectations and a mild epithet. Sensitive readers should stop reading now. Those who can handle the potentially traumatic material may proceed.

When you’re reading about Jadeveon Clowney, the potential No. 1 pick in tomorrow’s NFL draft, and you see the word defensive, you should, like all good things, come to an end. Clowney, you see, is a defensive end, which is the name of a football position. A defensive end is a lineman who rushes the quarterback and contains outside runs.

This article, however, was like an old man’s rambling story: It had no end.

The omission put Clowney in an awkward position, so I sprang to the defensive end’s defense and immediately began to search for the missing word. I had to find it. I looked … and looked … and looked. It wasn’t easy continuing in a world without end. I ignored the damn pain, the frustration. Just as I was about to abandon hope, my, ahem, odyssey brought me to a jaundiced man wearing a sandwich board. In between bell tolls, he asked if I had any ring-shaped pastries. I told him I did not. He replied, “Do’h! Nuts!” I diminished his spirits, but he unwittingly buoyed mine.

The overweight, balding man was right; it was near. End was in front of my face the entire time. Sitting at my computer, sensing defeat during my fruitless search, I bowed my head and rubbed the back of my neck. It was then that I noticed it, smack-dab between ‘delete’ and ‘page down.’ I knew. Somehow, I always knew. End was key.

At that moment, end was keyed. I pressed e, n and d. What did I reach?

The end.

END CREDITS

CAST

(IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE)

Himself  JADEVEON CLOWNEY

CREW

Director   OWEN

Executive Producer   OWEN

Writer   OWEN

Editor   OWEN

Photographer   OWEN

Key Grip   OWEN

Best Boy   OWEN

Set Designer   OWEN

Set Medic   WEBMD

Location Manager   OWEN

Post-Production Coordinator   OWEN

Key Craft Service   OWEN

Main Title Designer   OWEN

SPECIAL THANKS

The Simpsons

© MMXIV

When Write Is Wrong

All Rights Reserved

The events depicted in this production are fictitious. Any

similarity to actual events is coincidental and unintentional.

The Psy-Phy Channeler

Do you know what I’m thinking?

I’m thinking that an error is going to appear, and we’re going to need assistance from a physicist, a physician or a psychic. Psyche! We’re going to need an editor.

A physicist’s interest is the physical. A psychic is sensitive to the nonphysical. They exist in diametric contradiction. For one, matter matters. For the other, matter is immaterial. We must never confuse physics with psychics, which are a “paranormal” words. We risk creating a Franken-freak, some sort of psychedelic physicist … or physical psychiatrist. Enough with the psychoanalysis.

My friend Lindsay, of IAMNOTASTALKER, forwarded a photo Kime Buzzelli posted on her Instagram page back in January. It found its way to me about a year after Buzzelli, a painter and costume designer in California, had come across another buzz-worthy error. When it comes to Buzzelli’s latest find, any resemblance to real words — living or dead, physical or spiritual — is purely coincidental.

Photo courtesy of Kime Buzzelli

This psychic reader needs a better psychic writer.

The fourth word on the sign is an amalgamation, an unusual pairing not unlike a griffin, a centaur or a popcorn jellybean. My heightened editing senses are informing me that the word in question is a tad too physical. Phychic, like an athlete readying for a big game, needs to get psyched up. I can sense it.

Psychic looks good. So does physics. Phychic, however, is never très chic.

If we replace that opening h with an s, we’ll find a happy medium.

Man Seeking Woman

I’m not good with women. I’m not OK with women, either. I need a woman. But I refuse to use eHarmony. Not when e is the cause of our disharmony.

I composed the personal ad above, hoping it might help the person who wrote the paragraph below. I’m guessing the author is a real player — a Don Juan — because he uses women.

As Barry Gibb might say, something in the paragraph above looks like “more than a woman to me.” Fortunately, I have a four-step solution.

Step 1: Liberate the fourth letter.

Step 2: Wait, like a 17-year-old girl, because it’ll be a woman soon.

Step 3: Add an a to its lady parts.

Step 4: Admire its new female anatomy.

How deep is your love (of grammar)? For those who’d like to know why it should be “an attractive woman,” keep reading. Boogie down!

In English, the, a and an are called articles, which are words used to introduce a noun. The is a definite article; a and an are indefinite articles.

A definite article indicates a specific one (or ones) identifiable to the reader, and it is used for singular and plural nouns. For example:

The show sold out in 10 minutes. 

(A particular show sold out quickly.)

The eagles flew over Chicago. 

(Specific eagles flew over the Windy City.)

Bob visited the university. 

(Bob went to a school that has already been mentioned or is common knowledge.)

An indefinite article indicates a nonspecific noun, and it is used before a singular noun only. (A and an are modern derivations of ān, the Old English word meaning “one.”) A is used before nouns that begin with a consonant sound, and an is used before nouns that begin with a vowel sound. For example:

A show sold out in 10 minutes. 

(A show — we’re not sure which one — sold out quickly.)

An eagle flew over Chicago. 

(An eagle — it could have been any eagle — flew over the Windy City.)

Bob visited a university. 

(Bob went to a school that has yet to be identified or introduced.)

If the noun is modified by an adjective, however, the noun does not factor into which indefinite article we use. The beginning sound of the adjective that immediately follows the article determines whether we use a or an.  For example:

An hour-long show sold out in 10 minutes. 

(Though it starts with a consonant, hour-long begins with a vowel sound.)

A large eagle flew over Chicago. 

(Our indefinite article now precedes a word that begins with a consonant sound.)

Bob visited an Ivy League university. 

(The a becomes an because we’ve inserted Ivy League, which has a vowel sound.)

In our particular case, we’re talking about a nonspecific female, so we need an indefinite article (a or an). We have one.

The indefinite article and the noun are separated by an adjective (attractive) that begins with a vowel sound, so we need an. We have that.

Indefinite articles are used with singular nouns only, so we need a singular noun. We do not have that. Women is plural. Mila Kunis, Jennifer Aniston and Lacey Chabert are three attractive women. Woman is singular. Hayden Panettiere is one attractive woman.

The video must have “an attractive woman” or “attractive women.” To be honest, I’d find the video pleasing either way.

I’ll return in a few days, readers. My work, like a woman’s, is never done.