Monday, February 25, 2013

Virgin Err Lines

Writing about ABC’s reality series The Bachelor, a show I’ve never watched nor ever will, is virgin territory for me, but I can no longer abstain. My friend Lindsay, of IAMNOTASTALKER, introduced me to today’s inaccuracy, and I’m going to go all the way with it.

Virginity, once lost, cannot be found. It lies not between couch cushions or in a hotel-room closet. It’s gone forever, like $2 gas, Yugoslavia and your youth.

If you’ve had sex and then vow to abstain until marriage, you are, in Madonna vernacular, like a virgin. You’re like a virgin — not a virgin. The not-so-subtle difference? You’ve had intercourse, of course!

The cover of the Feb. 25 issue of Us Weekly fails to make this distinction. Sean Lowe, the so-called “virgin bachelor,” had sex in college, as you can see in the excerpt below. Ipso facto, he is as virginal as the aforementioned Material Girl.

That’s right: He made whoopee.


Sean is no virgin. He’s as pure as yellow snow. I’m not judging his sexual past or his present lifestyle choices. I am, however, judging the misleading, bewildering word choice. Sean has, pardon the slang, gotten it on, so Us Weekly needs to get it off. Remove virgin from the cover. Replace it with celibate or abstinent and I’ll refrain from further commentary the way a post-collegiate Sean refrains from sex.

My Bachelor decree doesn’t end there. The “born-again virgin” description within the Us Weekly article is a head-scratcher too. A person labeled born-again is one who has returned to an activity or conviction, such as a born-again Christian or a born-again conservative. Lacking a tricked-out DeLorean, one who “did have sex in college” cannot return to an area unaltered by human activity — virgin territory. In simplest terms, once you get a woman in the sack, you can never go back.

Allow me to consummate today’s post by urging everyone to tune in to ABC tonight at 8/7c. I hear the “virgin bachelor” is heading to Thailand for a few romantic dates that may or may not wind up in a resort’s “fantasy suite.” If you’re expecting a carnal conclusion, however, forget it. The 29-year-old Texan won’t be knocking cowboy boots.

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