Monday, August 20, 2012

Misguided Puppet Manipulation

In Tampa, Florida, in 2006, some buddies and I participated in Hoop It Up, a three-on-three basketball tournament. Chris, our captain, came up with our team name, Meat Puppets (don't ask), and had each of us select a "meaty" nickname, which he printed on the back of our shirts.

I chose Bacon. Why not? I smell good, I make so many things better, I have an effect on people's hearts, I get heated quickly, I appeal to the masses, I'm simple yet fascinating, and a BLT* wouldn't be the same without me.

I took the photo below between games at the tournament. That's our coach in the middle, flanked by my teammates: Pork Chop, Spam, Rump Roast and Kilbasa. Kilbasa?

Ordering the shirts was not handled under my auspices and thus I take no responsibility for the misspelling of kielbasa, the tasty Polish sausage. I was the team's point guard and three-point threat, but I wish I also had served as the point man on all apparel-related issues. Oh, well.

The Meat Puppets were more ground chuck than filet mignon at the Tampa tourney, managing only a single victory. If we Hoop It Up again in the future, we'll need to beef up our efforts.

* BLT – blog locating typos

  MEAT THE TEAM: The Meat Puppets scout the competition at the
2006 Hoop It Up tournament. Photo by Bacon


  1. Dear Owen, it is Chris again, from college. I am not sure why we spelled Kielbasa wrong....perhaps Brian really wanted it to say kill-basa to sound more menacing? But the real question is, if you chose "bacon" for all of those wonderful reasons....why did I get "Spam"? Is it because I could not average the 958 rebounds per game you wanted, and therefore I was not "real meat" just chemicals and jellies? Please let me know, thanks.

  2. We each chose our own name, Chris. And if I remember correctly, you chose Spam because like the messages sent indiscriminately to lots of people on the Internet, you felt unwanted. Either that, or you just really, really liked the Weird Al song. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go hang out with Eggs.

  3. Dear Owen, it is Chris again, from college. I did pick SPAM as my name....but perhaps it stood for Super Perfect Awesome Macho. I least in my head...that was what I was maybe thinking. Not that I am the perfect meat substitute.

    How are your eggs? Are they green eggs?

    1. It wasn't an acronym. Nice try, though. And they aren't "my eggs." It's my friend, Eggs. He was a bit salty, so I didn't hang out with him for too long. Best, Bacon

  4. Can you prove it was not an acronym? Did you have eye witness testimony, DNA, fingerprints and/or other hard evidence? It was in all capital letters, therefore it could be an acronym. HA! (Holy Awesomeness)!

    Why do you have a friend named Eggs? What on earth would one have to do in life, that "Eggs" would be their appropriate nickname?

    And also please note, that Bacon is far saltier than Eggs!

    1. I can't prove it in a court of law, but I was there. I know the truth. That is enough for me. If you want to run with your acronym origin story, that's FINE. (Feeble. Inaccurate. Nutty. Egregious.)

      That isn't my friend's nickname; that is his real name. His full name is Eggs Benedict. We met atop an English muffin. He looks a lot like your brain ... until he yields under pressure. When he cracks, he resembles your brain on drugs.

      Any questions?