Monday, March 18, 2013

I Have a Bad Feeling About This

If I were granted three wishes, one of them would be for my brother to fall in love, marry and have children. Studies show married people are happier, and I wish nothing but the utmost happiness for my bro. I must admit I also have selfish reasons for making that one of my three wishes. I think it'd be pretty cool to serve blue milk to nieces and nephews who'd refer to moi as Uncle Owen. I can't help it; it's the Star Wars fan in me.

I grew up with the original Star Wars trilogy and am a big fan — of the original theatrical versions, not George Lucas' "special" editions. Not to the extent that I'd tattoo Boba Fett's face on my bicep or dress as a Stormtrooper and attend a sci-fi convention, mind you, but a fan nonetheless. (Besides, at 5'7", I'm a little short for a Stormtrooper.) A fan who slept in Star Wars bed sheets as a child. A fan who still owns some of the vintage action figures, stored safely in their original Kenner collector's case. (Disclosure: I own zero Jar Jar Binks items.)

So, when my brother asked me a long time ago if I'd like to take a look at one of his issues of Star Wars Insider magazine, I accepted the offer. And, with When Write Is Wrong in mind, I made like a fearless bounty hunter on an intergalactic mission and searched high and low for something to capture. Mission accomplished.

Check out the image above, which I did my best to model after the films' famous opening crawls. Did you look at it? OK, good, now you must unlearn what you have learned, because you've been fed false information. It's not as severe a blunder as, say, putting C-3PO's head on backward or failing to make the jump to hyperspace, but it holds its own.

In Revenge of the Sith, the final installment of the Star Wars prequel trilogy, Natalie Portman played Padme, Princess Leia's mother. That's mother, not daughter. Oh, mama! How did this happen? I have a theory.

Portman, born in 1981, played a character in a 2005 movie who gave birth to a character that Carrie Fisher, born in 1956, brought to life in 1977. Whew. Even for Star Wars fanatics, it takes a moment to get all those numbers straight. It's only logical (sorry to throw a Spock term into this Star Wars post) to surmise that Portman would play the daughter of Fisher. Only in a galaxy far, far away could a 24-year-old actress be the mother of a 49-year-old!

Blast it! Who works at Star Wars Insider? Sand People? It can't be Stormtroopers, because they are much too precise to allow such inaccuracies to make it to print. If the Star Wars Insider editors, whomever they may be, agree to toss this error into the garbage chute, I'll make sure suffering is not their lot in life. It's going to take a grander gesture to appease the Emperor, however. From what I hear, he isn't as forgiving as I am.

Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good editor at your side, and this editor did a bang-up job on today's post. Two thumbs way up. Then again, I may just be having delusions of grandeur.


  1. Hey Darth Gator. Nicely done! Grand Schoff Tarkin.

  2. Thanks for the kind words, GST. I do have my moments. Not many, but I have them. And now, like Imperial garbage, it's time for me to float away.