Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Where There's a Will...

Get a drink. Please. I’ll wait. Before you get to the end of this paragraph, head to your refrigerator / wine cellar / liquor cabinet and grab your favorite adult beverage. Bud Light / Merlot / Smirnoff in hand? Great. Don’t imbibe just yet; this is no aperitif, to be enjoyed before sinking your teeth into today’s post. Set your beer can / wine glass / shot glass aside for the moment, but keep it within arm’s reach. We’re going to play a little drinking game. Every time you come across the word will from here on out, I want you to do a 12-ounce curl / take a big sip / down a shot. Until then, however, don’t touch that drink. That’s right: Bottoms down!

I’d like to take a minute, so just sit right there. I’ll tell you about the time I met the Prince of Bel Air.

Against my, I was forced by a friend to enter a sweepstakes to meet the Fresh Prince himself, Smith.

“Heads roll if you don’t enter the contest,” my friend said.

To keep heads firmly affixed to bodies, I did as instructed. Not that I expected to win. I never win. Well, not a week later, while swaying to a song by, I received a phone call from my friend. “You not believe this!” he screamed, before informing me that I was the grand-prize winner. The following Wednesday I was whisked away to L.A. to meet the actor at his home. I’d get five minutes with the star of Independence Day and Men in Black, one on one.

Turns out, mega-wattage celebrities live like the hoi polloi. When I arrived, was watching an old episode of & Grace, laughing so hard you’d think Wild Wild West had just won a best-picture Oscar. He was lost in the show, so I dared not interrupt, waiting instead for a commercial break.

We be right back after these messages.

That was my cue.

I had one shot to make my dream a reality. Setting aside all fan fawning, I got straight to the point:

“,” I said, referring to him by first name as if he were an old college buddy, “I’d like to be listed as a beneficiary in your. you do that for me?”

“I not,” he said.

I pleaded with him.

No luck.

I threatened him.

No luck.

Turns out, is a man with an iron. And a temper. With my five minutes nearing an end, my begging intensified. That backfired.

“I’m gonna punch you in the ovary, that’s what I’m gonna do,” he said, quoting Ferrell’s titular character in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

I noticed a vein jutting out of his tense neck — and security approaching from all sides — so I dropped my request. My dreams faded faster than a jet contrail. My big dreams, that is. If I couldn’t dream big, I’d dream small. If I couldn’t be in his, perhaps I could be on the red carpet.

“Fine,” I said. “No mention of me in the. But how about two tickets to the premiere of your next movie?”

That I can do!” he said. “I’ll leave ‘em at call.”

And that, readers, is the story of my brief, authentic encounter with Jada’s husband.

So, everyone a bit parched? Literally couldn’t hold your liquor, could you? Why is that? Well, it seems a certain word was missing, and you wouldn’t have been able to find it with prescription beer goggles. See what happens when a word, even a simple word that rhymes with nil, is omitted? Everyone loses. That’s why writers and editors have to make sure all essential words are included. The whole is only as strong as the sum of its parts (of speech).

I apologize to all my thirsty readers who had hoped to depart from their wagon. Allow me to make it up to you. Slide into your favorite pair of parachute pants, because it’s hammered time!

Owen will will will will does will will will will not will will will will condone will will will will drinking will will will will excessive will will will will amounts will will will will of will will will will alcohol.

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