Wednesday, April 16, 2014

If I Only Had a Brian

As a lifelong 76ers fan, I’ve endured many moments that led me to question who was the brains behind the operation in Philadelphia. Among them:

Why did they trade future Hall of Famer Moses Malone, Terry Catledge and first-round draft picks to the Washington Bullets for Jeff Ruland and Cliff Robinson?

Why did they trade the top pick in the 1986 draft to the Cleveland Cavaliers for Roy Hinson and cash?

Why did they trade future Hall of Famer Charles Barkley to the Phoenix Suns for Jeff Hornacek, Tim Perry and Andrew Lang?

Why did they draft Shawn Bradley, a 7-foot-6-inch human stick figure, with the second pick of the 1993 NBA draft?

Why did they waste top-10 draft picks on Clarence Weatherspoon (1992) and Sharone Wright (1994)?

Why did they trade class act Hersey Hawkins, my all-time favorite player, to the Charlotte Hornets for Dana Barros, Sidney Green and draft picks?

Why did they sign Kwame Brown to a two-year deal?

Well, it turns out you don’t have to be a whiz to figure out that one of the 76ers’ assistant coaches is the most intelligent person on Philadelphia’s payroll. With a first name like Brain, he’s got to be smart!

According to the official 76ers website, Mr. James has a master’s degree from Northeastern Illinois University, which proves he does have a brain. He has a brain. He isn’t a Brain. He’s a Brian. That’s a no-brainer.

Looks like the writer needs some assistance with that assistant’s name. What can we do? Allow me to think for a moment. [Editor’s note: Neurons are firing. They’ve reached a synapse. Information is being processed and transmitted…]

I’ve got it!

To fix the damage, we must beat James’ Brain out … and replace it with Brian.

Now that’s using your noodle.

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