Friday, July 11, 2014

The Lost Boys

Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Phil Knight and I don’t mingle. They have eye-popping net worth. My net is worthless. I am not part of the 1%. I barely qualify to be among the 99%, though that’s another story for another day.

In my Connecticut hometown, however, I am a member of an exclusive club. As a man, I am part of Fairfield’s 7.5%. I am one of the haves. That is, I have a Y chromosome.

Fairfield has its plusses. It’s a coastal town with five miles of beaches along Long Island Sound. Settled in 1639, Fairfield is awash in history; it’s chock-full of sites with ties to the Revolutionary War era. General Electric and Bigelow Tea have their headquarters in Fairfield. Its schools (including two universities) are strong, its crime rate low and its golf courses plentiful. Not a golfer? Hike, fish, camp or simply relax in Fairfield’s wooded areas, lakes, rivers and bird sanctuaries. The picturesque New England town was the setting for the TV series Who’s the Boss? and was a filming location for movies such as The Stepford Wives (1975), Revolutionary Road, Confessions of a Shopaholic and And So It Goes, a romantic comedy starring Michael Douglas and Diane Keaton that opens nationwide two weeks from today.

Sounds like a charming place to call home, huh? Well, what keeps some folks from settling in Fairfield is the town’s unusual makeup. A good man is hard to find; in Fairfield, any man is hard to find. Of its 59,404 residents, 31,187 are female and 4,455 are male. The other 23,762? Your guess is as good as mine. They look male, but perhaps they’re humanoid aliens. (Have you seen They Live?) They could be cyborgs. (The Terminator, anyone?) Another possibility: androids. (I refer you to the aforementioned The Stepford Wives.) Maybe they’re simply androgynous. It’s a mystery.

Oh, wait. Mystery solved. Fairfield’s population breakdown broke down when its percentages were male-adjusted. That number — 7.5 — isn’t man enough for me. Inserting a missing digit will certainly close my hometown’s gender gap. That’s this resident’s four-gone conclusion.

Person / Claim to Fame / Sex
Leonard Bernstein / Composer / Male (?)
James Blake / Tennis Player / Male (?)
Julie Chu / Olympic Ice Hockey Player / Female
J.J. Henry / Golfer / Male (?)
Don Imus / Radio Personality / Male (?)
David LaChapelle / Photographer / Male (?)
Justin Long / Actor / Male (?)
John Mayer / Musician / Male (?)
Charles Nagy / Baseball Player / Male (?)
Meg Ryan / Actress / Female
Robert Penn Warren / Pulitzer Prize-Winning Novelist / Male (?)
Tina Weymouth / Musician / Female

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